There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about
people having guts or balls, but do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep
you informed, the definitions are noted below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are
you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: 'You're next, [censored]!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the
outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Earthquake in Mexico

A massive earthquake measuring 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million were injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start.

Mexico is asking for help to rebuild, and the rest of the world responds.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican Army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending more oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community {except France} is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.



They had great seats right behind their team's bench.



After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'



I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Three blondes died and found them standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the kingdom, they had to tell him what the meaning of Easter was. So, the 1st blonde said: "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The 2nd blonde said: "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birthday and exchange gifts." St. Peter said "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell. The 3rd blond said: "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when Judas betrayed him, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on a cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....� Impressed, St. Peter said: "Very good!" Then the blonde continued "...now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees His shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.



They had great seats right behind their team's bench.



After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'



I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!



I bet it was a Sooner game :D

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.



They had great seats right behind their team's bench.



After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:



'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'



I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!



I bet it was a Sooner game :D



You are right Grog, it was at the Cotton Bowl last year and she was wearing burnt orange!

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3176/2909961573_866d5a195d_o.jpg (http://www.flickr.com/photos/13585073@N02/2909961573/)

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus sitting over there?' The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.



The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that Jesus over there?' The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, 'My treat.'



The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, 'Hey there, honey! How's about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?' He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, 'Is that God's boy over there?' The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. 'On my bill,' he said.



As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed.' The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.



Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, 'Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability.'

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs,
> >they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the
> >pack.
> >'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
> >Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf Nuns
> >in Rome?'
> >The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
> >answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
> >In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
> >Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
> >Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all Of
> >Europe?'
> >The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
> > 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
> >This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
> >Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
> >Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
> >anywhere in the world?'
> >The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my Son,
> >there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
> >The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
> >Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
> >chanting......










> > 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
> > 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
> >

What does a pig sound like when it bumps into the basket?
















DOINK!

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher,all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'

Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.

Unfortunately there isn't a choice marked,
"E. No thanks, please try again!"
on the ballot.

A 6th grade class teacher asks her class how many of you are Ron Paul fans......yadda yadda yadda....

Here's one for you...what's the difference between the Hindenburg and rUsh liMbaugh........





One is a huge bag of hot air going down in flames and the other is a dirigable.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your PC?

There's white out all over the screen.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you put your ear up to a blonde's ear you can hear the ocean.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man unknowingly walks into a lesbian bar sits down and after ordering a beer asks if anyone would like to hear a blonde joke.
The bartender says "Mister, I'm a blonde, the bouncer here is a blonde, the woman on your left is an ex Marine and a blonde, and the one on your right is a blonde Pro Wrestler. Now do you still want to tell your joke?"
The man replys "No....I don't want to have to explain it five times."

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In case you forgot the finer details of our history, here is a quick refresher lesson for you.

__________________________________________________ ___

History 101



For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self...

The conservative makes delicious pizza that us weaklings eat while drinking our imported beers that we can afford with high end intellectual jobs. Our women with high testosterone levels like to get crazy in the sack so we are forced to deal with them on a daily basis while the conservatives are busy condeming us for having a good time.

Wow it sounds terrible to be a liberal :p

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men



ie...they wear the pants in the family...

This is one part of the whole election process I never understood this time around. I thought you only could be President for two, four year terms, but Hilary was still running. :o:D:D:o

The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality.

For Instance Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them.
Dick Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.





What a gal, that Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything.

The following is a true story shared by KC Williams who teaches AP
Government at Santa Fe
High School.


In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be
president of the United States.


It was pretty simple. The presidential candidate must be a natural born
citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class
immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural
born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many
capable individuals from becoming president.



KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's
jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ....


"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country
than one born by C-section."



And someday she'll vote....

And someday she'll vote....



Hopefully Hillary won't be running at that time.

And I mean this in the most constructive way!

One of the most common wild goose chases we used to send newbies on was a search for a foot of fallopian tubing.

That and the red handled cable stretcher.

There was also the left handed screw driver and relative bearing grease.

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so
I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?

Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked..

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'm dumpin ' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it..

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'; I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long ?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's [censored] near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....

im sure glad my wife and i get along much better than that list of couples. :D:D:D:D

Then some wise [censored] sent a link to this to Kathy. Thats when the fight started..... :D

Told you I'd get even for TPing my house. :cool:

Three men married wives from different states. The first man married a woman from Michigan. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Missouri. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from TEXAS. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he still didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

1958 - 2008 / 50 years of math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $2.58.
The counter-girl took my $3. &amp; I was digging for my change
when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket &amp; gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel &amp; 3 pennies, while
looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her dis-
comfort &amp; tried to tell her to just give me two quarters,
but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to
explain the transaction to her, she stood there &amp; cried.

Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in
teaching math since 1958:

1. Teaching math In 1958
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching math In 1968
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1978
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1988
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 &amp; his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1998
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he
is selfish &amp; inconsiderate &amp; cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our wood-
lands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds &amp; squirrels feel as the
logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, &amp; if you feel like crying, it's okay.


6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100.
El costo de la producciones es $80.
Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

I just wish that ^^^^^ was a joke :(

5. Teaching Math In 1998
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he
is selfish &amp; inconsiderate &amp; cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our wood-
lands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds &amp; squirrels feel as the
logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, &amp; if you feel like crying, it's okay.





Hey, where did you find that TAKS question, it has not been released yet. :o:D :D

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 1 year replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in under 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's [censored] near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Note: The following letter was found left behind at a local drinking establishment; the authors' identity is unknown. It is passed along without comment.

"That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of [life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness], it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it?" ~ Declaration of Independence of the American Colonies, 1776




Dear Federal Government,




Drop dead.




Excuse us. Some may consider such bluntness to be indecorous, but why beat around the bush? In any case, we've been around this bush (Bush?) too many times to count already. It's time to let you know what we really think of you, what we say behind your back, what we whisper to each other when you leave the room.

We hate you. We want you to drop dead. Or, anyway, to go away and never come back. You are not welcome anymore. We have tolerated you ? and we emphasize "tolerated" ? for a long time, long after whatever romance there may have been was gone. We can pretend no more. You are disgraceful, boorish, nauseating, corrupt, shameful, arrogant, dishonest, self-serving, parasitic, disgusting, hypocritical, and rotten to the core. You have not even one redeeming quality. There is nothing you offer that we want any longer. We're not even sure what it is we ever saw in you to begin with.

We suppose you can be forgiven if this letter comes as a shock. "Why," you say, "what do you mean? I still command great respect and inspire widespread adulation. And I still care about you. Isn't it obvious?"

It's true that, in public, we often nod our heads and agree with you, even defer or appear to defer to you. But we assure you that this happens not out of respect; rather, it arises merely from the fact that you have a lot of guns and a bad temper. Inside, we are seething and resentful. Inside, we imagine your demise in the most vivid and gratifying of ways. We may fear your irrational and violent behavior, but we manifestly do not respect or agree with you. We don't love you. We don't even like you. (See the part about hate, above.)

At any rate, our revulsion toward you has finally come to outweigh any fear we have of you. We refuse to keep our real feelings in for even one more second. We want you gone from our lives. And we mean completely. Vamoose. Go. Die.

Please understand we aren't here to argue. No special new subsidy, tax break, or privileged "loophole" is going to sway our opinion or make us change our minds about this. We've been there, done that, for too many decades to count now. Likewise, your threats are starting to make us yawn and even laugh. You see, we know all your tricks now. We can see through your lies because we've heard them all so many times before. We are fully aware of your true nature, and we see that that nature is radioactive evil, wrapped in a tattered blanket of ignorance, foolishness, and stupidity.

Look, we know it's only a matter of time anyway. Your dimwittedness, greed, fraudulence, and moral bankruptcy are finally starting to catch up to you. Even your former employees admit as much. Do you remember Paul Craig Roberts, one of your past Treasury officials? Today he says of your latest economy-wrecking and warmongering efforts:



"The world has never seen such total mindlessness. Napoleon's and Hitler's marches into Russia were rational acts compared to the mindless idiocy of the United States government."

Mindless idiocy: We could not have said it better ourselves. Wait, yes, we could have, because we would have also mentioned your meanness and malevolence.

Our state governments are starting to feel the same way about you that we do. Many are openly refusing to obey your so-called "REAL ID" attempt at creating a national "your papers, please" regime of Hitlerian proportions. Some are even starting to make noises about the Tenth Amendment, which reiterates that you aren't allowed to just do anything you feel like doing. (We are not big fans of our state governments either, but at least they don't start wars, counterfeit our money, and prop up tyrannies across the globe.)

You see? Look in the mirror for once. The emperor not only hasn't got any clothes, he's a quadruple amputee demanding that everyone admire his muscular physique. We don't know whether to laugh at or feel pity for such a pathetic creature.

In c
onclusion and just so we're clear: We're done. Pack up and get out. Better yet, don't pack ? all that stuff belongs to us in the first place. Just get out. And when you finally, mercifully, do kick the bucket, please make sure it is in some place far away from us, where we won't have to smell the stench of your hideous, rotting corpse.

Signed,

Every Normal Human Being in America and the Rest of the World

This one is SO true

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/ramirez021809.jpg

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/benson021909.jpg

I have 6 days worth of stuff to post, I think I will start with this one.


Lie Detector


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

t pays to work in a hospital

The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package.

The allergists voted to scratch it,
and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the radiologists could see right through it,
and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
AND
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Young Ben in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Ben*replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Ben*said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Ben*said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Ben*said, "Sure I can, Watch me.* I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with*Ben and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Ben*said, "I raffled him off.* I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Ben*said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Ben*grew up and now works for the government.* He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.

DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) &amp; The Rancher

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me..'

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I told
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state where my life becomes
dependent on a machine and my only sustenance comes in the
form of fluids. If that ever happens and I'm a total vegetable,
PLEASE just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer and threw away my beer.

Sometimes she really just ticks me off!

So this penguin�s car breaks down and he has it towed to the nearest garage.
The mechanic says, �Gimme about an hour and I�ll let ya know what�s wrong�
It�s a hot day so the penguin decides to walk across the street to the diner and
get an ice cream. The clerk gives him a cone and the poor little guy gets it all
over himself cause his beak and flippers make it tough to eat before it melts.
Anyway, an hour goes by so he walks back to the garage. The mechanic sees
him and says, �looks like you blew a seal�, the penguin says, �nah, it�s just
a little ice cream�.

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says:
"Excellent trade, sir!"

Just can't seem to figure out women.

After years of hinting, discussing and begging,
finally got the wife to agree to a threesome.

Can't figure why she got so mad when
I brought home a couple girls from the gym.

I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in
another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several
children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a
legitimate, reliable birth certificate.I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was
widely accepted in my country, but

I practiced non-traditional beliefs &amp; didn't follow Christianity, except
in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising
myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I
embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who
read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father
abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the
scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national
office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone
into anything. That reinforced my conceit.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no
experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful
speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they
were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This
bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy.
I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every
opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the
country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we
could do better and every poor person would be fed &amp; housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It
was the free market, banks &amp; corporations. I decided to start making
citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the
plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the
traditional path of politics &amp; was able to gain widespread popular
support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could
change our country and the world.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the
downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the
Jews. My true views were not widely known &amp; I needed to keep them
unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out
what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined
those people I associated with.

I'm glad they didn't. Then I became the most powerful man in the world.
And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?



ADOLF HITLER.


WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/garyvarvel031909.jpg

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/toon0320091.gif

I was born in one country, raised in another. My father was born in
another country. I was not his only child. He fathered several
children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a
legitimate, reliable birth certificate.I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was
widely accepted in my country, but

I practiced non-traditional beliefs &amp; didn't follow Christianity, except
in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising
myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I
embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who
read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father
abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the
scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national
office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone
into anything. That reinforced my conceit.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no
experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful
speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they
were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This
bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy.
I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every
opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the
country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we
could do better and every poor person would be fed &amp; housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It
was the free market, banks &amp; corporations. I decided to start making
citizens hate them and if they were envious of others who did well, the
plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the
traditional path of politics &amp; was able to gain widespread popular
support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could
change our country and the world.

So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the
downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the
Jews. My true views were not widely known &amp; I needed to keep them
unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out
what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined
those people I associated with.

I'm glad they didn't. Then I became the most powerful man in the world.
And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?



ADOLF HITLER.


WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?








I was thinking of this current administration.

Subject:

Oil Shortage

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
and
Texas.....



......Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!

Any Questions???

Bryan,

I figured out who the figure was when I read about him writing a book about his struggles. "My struggle" in German - Mein Kampf.

Subject:

Oil Shortage

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in
ALASKA
California
Coastal Florida
Coastal Louisiana
Kansas
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania
and
Texas.....



......Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC!

Any Questions???





Look a little further south on I-35, there are a few dipsticks closer than you think. And I didn't vote for any of them!

Bryan,

I figured out who the figure was when I read about him writing a book about his struggles. "My struggle" in German - Mein Kampf.



I knew about 1/2 of the things in that post, I looked up the other half before I posted it. I was able to at least find where the statements came from. Kind of ironic isn't it.

<font color="blue"> [borderline offensive material removed] </font>

Zero Gravity - When NASA first started sending up
astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens
would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem,
NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity,
upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and
at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300
C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due
again--enjoy paying them.

Funny perhaps, but an eRumor.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/s/spacepen.htm

In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.

Racist un-funny "joke" snipped



I got suspended for a year for pointing out the follies of the moderation team, yet this type of crap is allowed to stand?

Are you kidding me?

Sure, I check the facts on the Hitler stuff, but don't check the pen deal, figures.

Funny perhaps, but an eRumor.

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/s/spacepen.htm




I thought all jokes were real. BTW it is tax season. :p

Our Constitution - They keep talking about drafting
a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them
ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and
it's worked for over 200 years. And, we're not using it
anymore.

they are welcome to copy ours, but i think it's the fact that our Constitution is written to accomodate a *separation* of church and state that they don't find to their liking...

In the colonies you had to be of the right religion -- Catholics, Jews, even other Protestant sects were often not tolerated. Obviously a federal government which would form a union between such intolerant colonies had to find a way around that and the Constitution accomplished it by separation of church and state. Jefferson sat in the White House as President and worked on re-writing the Bible by taking everything but what Jesus actually taught out. He felt Jesus was an enlightened teacher but not God.

The Constitution says nothing of a "separation" of church and state, it only says that we have freedom of Religion, meaning there is NO state church. (As England, Russia and most of the Middle east currently have)

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/ramirez032409.jpg

Now that is funny!!!

The Constitution says nothing of a "separation" of church and state...



He said "written to accomodate".

Ten Commandments - The real reason that we can't
have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse is that you
cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building
full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a
hostile work environment.*

In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.

Racist un-funny "joke" snipped



I got suspended for a year for pointing out the follies of the moderation team, yet this type of crap is allowed to stand?

Are you kidding me?



In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by a fire.

A SMOGARIAN family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

A SMOGARIAN group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from SMOGARIA, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, SMOGARIAN, Gang Banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA, met with the fire chief, on camera... They loudly demanded to know why the SMOGARIANS all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief said, "Simple --- they were at work."

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.'


A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one

person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'



A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that

we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.'




The Illinois doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way

behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the
White House for one month, and now half the WORLD is looking for work.'

LOL I am from ILL and we have a long history of crooks from COOKS! :D

LETTER FROM THE BOSS.....

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Hussein Obama is our President, and that our taxes, and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about10%.


Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars
and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/ramirez032609.jpg

The following is the winning entry in an annual contest at
Texas A&amp;M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term:

This year's term was Political Correctness.

The winner wrote:

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end"

R. J. Wiedemann LtCol. USMC Ret.
:)

The difference between a Republican &amp; a Democrat


A republican and democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The democrat was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into the republican's pocket and got out $20, kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

Now, do you understand the difference? :)

Steelers to Lose Super Bowl Trophy
&gt; ===============================================
&gt;
&gt; The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to
&gt; win six titles, will soon be losing half of those trophies.
&gt;
&gt; After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President
&gt; Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of their
&gt; Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams
&gt; in the league.
&gt;
&gt; "We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl."
&gt; said Obama "The losing team deserves recognition equally with the
&gt; losing team, for without the losers, there would be no winners," he
&gt; said at a recent interview.
&gt;
&gt; "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake
&gt; of these difficult times." Obama's plan calls for the Steelers, who
&gt; are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl
&gt; trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as
&gt; successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Lions are just as much a
&gt; part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should,
&gt; no rather will, be entitled to a Super
&gt; Bowl Trophy as well." Obama
&gt; explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.
&gt;
&gt; The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team
&gt; play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents,
&gt; careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and
&gt; commitment to their fans, have prospered greatly during the past 30
&gt; years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies.
&gt;
&gt; But President Barack Hussain Obama's plan calls for the Pittsburgh
&gt; Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL's less successful
&gt; teams. Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times
&gt; we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL
&gt; Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every
&gt; fan."
&gt;
&gt; "My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama
&gt; assures. That's over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL that will
&gt; not have to worry about losing any Super Bowl Trophies.
&gt;
&gt; "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can't seem to catch
&gt; a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about
&gt; going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and
&gt; league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter
&gt; the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the
&gt; teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of
&gt; this great American league."
&gt;
&gt; The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16
&gt; Detroit Lions. Through no20fault of their own incompetence, the
&gt; Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will
&gt; help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope
&gt; once again.
&gt;
&gt; The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the
&gt; Steeler's division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who
&gt; also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This
&gt; victory will bring a smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the
&gt; world as they can now celebrate.
&gt;
&gt; Finally, one of the Steeler's two Super Bowl victories over the
&gt; Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs
&gt; to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the
&gt; face of uncertainty.
&gt;
&gt; This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all
&gt; prosper. Left undecided is the re-distribution of the winning
&gt; team's percentage of the gate receipts, estimated at perhaps five
&gt; million dollars for the winning team, and perhaps three million
&gt; dollars for the losing team, all distributed among the team
&gt; members. It is anticipated that this may also be split up among all
&gt; League players, for, as Obama states, "Without all the teams
&gt; participating, there would be no Super Bowl. Those other teams
&gt; should share in the reward."
&gt;
&gt; All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans; Barack Hussain Obama has
&gt; another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and Commissioner Bud
&gt; Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two
&gt; of their World Series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a
&gt; supplement to their losing 16 straight seasons and counting.This
&gt; plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the
&gt; American Dream, or at least give them a feeling of self-worth.
&gt;
&gt; Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael
&gt; Phelps in the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda
&gt; for "Hope and Change."
&gt;
&gt; Steelers must now share their wealth and fruits of their success
&gt; and hard work. Obama provides hope to all NFL teams. He says that,
&gt; under his plan, "They're all winners."

Christianity

The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make
you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and
telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master ,
so he can remove an evil force from you soul that is
present in humanity only cause a rib woman was convinced
by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree .

&gt; Finally, one of the Steeler's two Super Bowl victories over the
&gt; Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs
&gt; to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the
&gt; face of uncertainty.



As a side note, as a result of the implementation of the plan, the Dallas Cowboys find themselves over the 6 trophy limit and are now subject to the same redistribution plan.

A man and his wife, after 50 years of marriage, decided to visit the Holy Land to celebrate their 50th anniversary. While they were there, the man�s wife passed away. The man was speaking with a local mortician about his wife and the mortician stated the man had two options:

�You can either send your wife�s remains back to the US for $5000 where you will have to pay for the burial or you can bury her here for $150.� Said the mortician.

After several minutes the man replied, �I guess I am going to have to ship her back home�

�Why would you do that? Surely your wife would want to be buried in the Holy land. Your decision makes no sense.�

To which the husband replied �Over 2000 years ago a man died here and was buried. Three days later he arose and walked from his tomb. I just can�t take the chance it could happen again.�

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/ramirez033109.jpg

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/benson033009.jpg

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/benson040109.jpg

Obama Recovering After Closed Captioning �Mishap� (http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?fc_c=1391591x2951614x148444731&amp;id=3128 5)

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but
President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays..

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/ramirez040309.jpg

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the
mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms
occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual,
Barney Frank &amp; Chris Dodd."

If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably
destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/benson040509.jpg

Ok, this one is good

Only because it is so true

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/garyvarvel040809.jpg

U.S. Marine Fighter Pilot Chats with Iranian Air Defense Radar (http://patriotroom.com/article/u-s-marine-fighter-pilot-chats-with-iranian-air-defense-radar)

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/benson041309.jpg

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important.....

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover

after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:


'Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to

lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she said......'I feel like crap.'

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/glennfoden041409.jpg

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/izpU4YJ0ZAA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/izpU4YJ0ZAA&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&feature=player_embedded&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/garyvarvel051409.jpg

These guys put out 2 video's a week. They usually get a few funny lines in there. (they need to change the host)

the first one is a bomb, then the rest are pretty funny


<object width="445" height="364"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5IH7SIOoejw&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b&border=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5IH7SIOoejw&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b&border=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="445" height="364"></embed></object>

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/benson0518091.jpg

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/benson052009.jpg

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
****?

Top Ten Country Western Songs
>
>
>
> 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
>
>
>
> 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up
> With a Few.
>
>
>
> 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
>
>
>
> 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
>
>
>
> 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
>
>
>
> 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
>
>
>
> 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
>
>
>
> 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
>
>
>
> 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
>
>
>
> And the Number One Country & Western song is...
>
>
>
> 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My *** Out
> All Day Long.
>
>
>

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/cartoon4.jpg

Ok, stop reading this if you have heard this before......

These 2 nuns were walking down the street

2 guys jump out and start to rape them.

The first nun looks up to God and says "Forgive him my father, for he knows not what he is doing"

Then 2nd nun looks up and says, "This one does"









(I think I am going to hell for that one)

(I think I am going to hell for that one)

Well Za, I'll hold a seat for ya!:D

Because Michael Jackson is made of 99% plastic, he is going to be melted down and make into Lego's.

This way the kids can play with him now.

I heard Burger King was going to make a tribute burger for him.

50 year old meat between 5 year old buns...

Walmart and millions of discount chains around the globe will be doing their part to honor Micheal Jackson in the wake of his tragic death, they will be selling all boy's underwear half off.

Michael Jackson is getting recycled into shopping bags so he can still be white, plastic and dangerous to small children.

With all that plastic surgery they aren’t sure whether to have a funeral or a Tupperware party… .

Got me a new truck!


I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer
Yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers..

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson..

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
And if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
Their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guys ran a red light and
Nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, '*** Holes!'

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
Sung by Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
On guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

****, I LOVE this truck

I heard about the last words that Michael Jackson said as he was being loaded into the Ambulance......

"we are going to the Children's Hospital, right?"

__________________________________________________ ___________

When Farah Fawcett died, God asked her if there was anything she wanted.

She said "I want to save all the children of the world"

the next day Michael Jackson died.......

__________________________________________________ ___________

I have not posted one in a while

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/garyvarvel070609.jpg

HOW MUCH WORSE CAN IT GET?

WARNING FROM PAKISTAN

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar warned the Unites States that if Military actions against Iraq continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 Managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab Drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no
more candidates for President of the United States !

It's gonna get ugly!

Rick was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had just told them
he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day because his
wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
hunting buddies Rick left to go back home to his wife.

When Rick 's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should
be there but Rick sitting in front of his tent, beer in hand, camp oven
roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Rick ?"

"I didn't have to" was Rick 's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the
bed and you can do whatever you want."........................<wbr>..........

So here I am!

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.


Depression is when you lose yours.


And recovery is when Obama loses his.

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

This thread needs retitled: "Political Bitterness Thread"

Hey Jerry, where did you get my memo to my employee's:D

A VERY ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. 'What are you so happy about?' asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I discovered a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free, and took her back to my place.'

'Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!' exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'

�Don't know. Never found the head.'

:eek::eek::eek:

sent to me by a fellow disc golfer


HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new/ empty file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

I got another one today, kind of old, but I had not seen it yet.

<tt><tt>Okay, everyone is always telling Boudreaux and Thibodeaux jokes, implying that Cajun's aren't smart.

But anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fill it with Democrats......is a genius!
</tt></tt>

sent to me by a fellow disc golfer





I think I'll try Sean Hannity

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new/ empty file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?

GOOD! Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

I think I'll try Sean Hannity

OBAMA ANNOUNCES THE FOLLOWING RULE CHANGES TO THE GAME OF GOLF


Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played

The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
-for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
-between 11 and 18 no additional amount
-above 18 you will divide the total amount in the pot (and you do not even have to play).

The term �gimme putt� will be changed to �entitlement putt�
and will be used as follows:
-handicaps below 10, no entitlements
-handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
-handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up



These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.

Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.




The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.




This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score.






Per Obama. �These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about fairness only, it should have nothing to do with ability.�

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend
you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married
and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party.'

Q. Why didn't the police believe that Shawn Merriman had choked Tila Tequila?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. Because they know that the Chargers don't choke until the playoffs!!!

Obama's Indian name

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York . He spoke for
almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living, since he has now become the President.. HE
referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every
Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although President Obama
was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his
future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers.' At the conclusion
of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his
new Indian name - "Walking Eagle." The proud President then departed in his
motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to
select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that
"Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer
fly.

Old Sea Story
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Bosun that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

"Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Someone may be promising "Change", in Washington ; but don't count on things smelling any better!







<tt>
</tt>

<tt></tt>

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the
chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy.

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy. 'I just knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'

Thoughtful Texan Farmer
A bus load of politicians were driving down a Texas country road
when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree
in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened,
went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how they lie.'

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, �Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.� The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH. That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago."

"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.


Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'


'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'


His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

http://www.texasinsider.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/GlennMcCoy111809.jpg

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven.

God addresses Al first.. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

http://webmail.aol.com/29202/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.29767146&folder=NewMail&partId=4


Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,

But that it was your will that I did not serve..

And I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says:

"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''


God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''



http://webmail.aol.com/29202/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.29767146&folder=NewMail&partId=5


Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.

I've sinned, but I've never held a

Grudge against my fellow man,

And I hope no grudges are held against me.''

God thinks for a second and says:

"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''



Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''

http://webmail.aol.com/29202/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.29767146&folder=NewMail&partId=6


He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."

News reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real.

What's the difference between a Cadilac Escalade and a golf ball?


Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball four hundred yards.

Subject: OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 18, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at
Calhoun's. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the
giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for
employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 18, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still
celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 18, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 18, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
*** men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the *** men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that
no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about
confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure
taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply"no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: November 18, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 18, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

This just in from Washington, DC: The Supreme Court has ruled there will be no Nativity scene this year in the nation's capital. The ruling was not based on any religious principle, however. The problem stems from the inability of Nativity organizers to locate three wise men anywhere in the city. The search for a virgin likewise was difficult.


On the other hand, there has been no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stables.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause?




Santa Clause stops at 3 Ho's.......

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 1.5pt; width: 100%;" width="100%">Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had

Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...









now we have Obama and no hope and no cash.

</td></tr></tbody></table>

The new season of 'Lost' kicked off tonight. If you haven't seen it, 'Lost' is about a group of desperate people out of touch with the world. It's based on the true story of the Republican Party.

"If at first you don't succeed, change the rules."

The Economy Is So Bad...




I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The economy is worse than divorce. I lost half my money and still have the wife.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great!!
The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear.

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job..

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:
"Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!

"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chrysler's, and I voted for Obama. !!!

(I had to post this, I think it has been posted before)


HOLIDAY EATING TIPS


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass.. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!!

Merry Christmas !

http://i629.photobucket.com/albums/uu14/PizzaGod/discgolf/2009-12-15-humor-handout.jpg

The liberals are asking us to give Obama some time...
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and It
started to sink, who would be saved? ...... America!
***********************************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers

Top 10 Highlights of Sarah Palin's first day at Fox News

10. Ruined office floor by drilling for oil.
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera.
8. Got confused -- thought she signed with QVC.
7. Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina."
6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno.
5. At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby.
4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt.
3. Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable.
2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska.
1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head: My dog must be a democrat!

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one. So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

"370H-SSV-0773H"

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note. George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud .... You're holding it upside down!'

I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck.
Do not go see Dr Acula.