Pages : [1] 2

terrycalhoun
Aug 25 2005, 01:26 PM
The previous thread had gotten out of control, so I have moved it into storage. Even way down here in "Miscellaneous," we still need to not engage in using language that is obscene and offensive in the ways some of the jokes had become.

Thanks for (at least trying) to understand that.

Aug 25 2005, 01:53 PM
Figured I would start off the jokes thread with a bang. This joke is not for the weak of the bladder. I am afraid that I will not take responsibility for any momentary laspes in bladder control.

Now on to the joke:

Two ropes walk into a bar. They walk up to the bar and start to order their drinks when the bartender stops them saying, "Can't you boys read? That sign there says 'No Ropes Allowed'"

Miffed, the two ropes exit the bar. On the way out one rope exclaims, "Good ridiance! I didn't want a drink in that dive anyway!! Let's go find ourselves a more tolerant bar."

The other rope replies, "No! He can't do that to us. I'll show him!"

The first rope trudges off to find another bar while the second rope begins to twist himself all up, rolling around and finally pulls his ends taught securing a huge knot in the middle. He ruffled up his ends and marched back into the bar.

Immediately the bartender interjects, "Hey! Aren't you one of those ropes I just threw out??!??"

The rope calmly replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"


HARHARHAHAR!

pterodactyl
Aug 25 2005, 01:54 PM
I don't get it! ;)

scottsearles
Aug 25 2005, 01:56 PM
:confused: which 1 :confused: :p :p


;) :o:D

Aug 25 2005, 01:58 PM
Plenty more where that came from!

scottsearles
Aug 25 2005, 02:08 PM
So Terry/Theo, i am wondering just how hard would it be to say make at least 1 topic Private, such as the Joke thread?

So as to not offend possible Sponsor's or the P.C. crowd that reads the forum.

I am just not all that computer literate. I do not no if the idea would work or not just thought i would ask. :D:cool:

I never once was offended by the joke thread. :D

terrycalhoun
Aug 25 2005, 04:34 PM
Hey, it never personally offended me, either, but I did get a lot of complaints.

I would love there to be a sign-up only thread that would allow a lot more freedom of expression on jokes the ilk, but I also don't know if our technology can handle that.

Aug 27 2005, 07:13 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband
was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock
effect to bring this to his wife's attention, so, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his
wife that he was keying in .

P....

E...

N....

I....

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Aug 27 2005, 11:43 PM
This is probably my all time favorite joke:

Q: What is orange and red and looks good on a hippy?








A: Fire.

Aug 28 2005, 10:32 PM
Q: What starts with F and ends with UCK?








A: Firetruck

Aug 29 2005, 02:16 AM
Ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree?












Pretty good hiders huh?

Pizza God
Aug 29 2005, 02:35 PM
Why do elephants have trunks?






















Because they would look pretty funny with a glove compartment :D

cromwell
Aug 29 2005, 03:57 PM
I apologize for this one in advance...

How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?











One

Aug 29 2005, 11:01 PM
Whats brown and sticky?










a stick

sandalman
Aug 29 2005, 11:26 PM
how do you keep an id[/b]iot in suspense?






























































































































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.<br

Aug 29 2005, 11:28 PM
:eek:
:confused:

I'm waiting.......... :D:D:D

Aug 30 2005, 11:03 AM
Sweet -- you musta got like 3 feet of air into that post...

Aug 30 2005, 12:53 PM
Ten Times!!!!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

slo
Aug 30 2005, 03:38 PM
> Artery -- Study of paintings
> Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
> Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
> Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
> Caesarean section -- District in Rome
> Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
> Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
> Colic -- Sheep dog
> Coma -- A punctuation mark
> Congenital -- Friendly
> D&C -- Where Washington is
> Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
> Dilate -- To live long
> Enema -- Not a friend
> Fester -- Quicker
> Fibula -- A small lie
> G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
> Grippe -- Suitcase
> Hangnail -- Coathook
> Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
> Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
> Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
> Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
> Morbid -- Higher offer
> Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
> Node -- Was aware of
> Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
> Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
> Post operative -- Letter carrier
> Protein -- Favoring young people
> Rectum -- It almost killed him
> Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
> Rheumatic -- Amorous
> Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
> Secretion -- Hiding anything
> Seizure -- Roman emperor
> Serology -- Study of knighthood
> Tablet -- Small table
> Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
> Tibia -- Country in North Africa
> Tumor -- An extra pair
> Urine -- Opposite of you're out
> Varicose -- Located nearby
> Vein -- Conceited

lowe
Aug 30 2005, 04:09 PM
how do you keep an [I'm a potty-mouth!] in suspense?



So what's the answer?

I don't get it.

Aug 30 2005, 04:11 PM
:eek:
:confused:

I'm waiting.......... :D:D:D



Your to late. Oh wait, where is that answer?

Aug 30 2005, 06:27 PM
Why did the cougar drill for the black mechanical digger?



Because it was stapled to the wig!

Pizza God
Aug 30 2005, 11:12 PM
How do you keep an [I'm a potty-mouth!] in suspense?












I will tell you tomorrow

Aug 30 2005, 11:46 PM
Guy loved his wife so much he decided to have her name tattooed on his pecker. WENDY.

So he's in a bathroom and sees that the guy next to him has the WENDY tattoed on his pecker too. So he lean over to the guy and says "I see your wife's name is Wendy too"

Guy says, with a thick Jamaican accent, "No mon, when I get a boner it say WELCOME TO JAMAICA MON HAVE A NICE DAY."

dischick
Aug 31 2005, 01:11 AM
so wendy is datin this guy...
nothin too seriouse, nothin past first base... just kickin it... on the golf course i suppose....
so wendy invites her man over for dinner with the parents. she tells him that if all goes well with the rents, he may hit a home run tonight... in a matter of speakin (tryin to keep it G rated for all the minors out there)
so the dude, we'll call him joe, goes to the pharmacy to buy some "protection" before goin for dinner
so they are gathered around the table, and wendies dad wants to say grace. after grace, joe continues to hold his head down, hands folded for an extra minute... he must really be into his prayer....
after dinner wendy says to him... "wow joe... i had no idea you were so religiouse"
joe replies " i had no idea your dad was a pharmacist"

scottsearles
Aug 31 2005, 03:29 PM
:D:p

sandalman
Aug 31 2005, 03:48 PM
(retelling a message board classic)

two guys went out for a round of disc. they were on about the fourth tee when their play was slowed by two girls who were taking their sweet time putting out. the guys waited patiently for a couple holes, but finally one guy said to the other "i'm gonna go up there and ask if we can play through". "OK", replied the other, who waited behind on the tee. the first guy got about 2/3 of the way down the fairway then turned back and returned to the tee. "Whats up," the second asked. "Did you ask them?". "No", was the answer. "when i got up there i realized to my horror that one of those girls is my wife, and the other is my girlfriend!" "OK, I'll go ask them... you stay out of sight", the second offered. The first guy mumbled acceptance as the second guy took off down the fairway, but then became confused when he saw the second guy turn around after getting only about halfway there. "What the heck is going on?" he asked when the second guy got back. Came the reply "Small world, isn't it!"

dischick
Sep 01 2005, 10:03 AM
so whats the similartiy between a tornado in oklahoma and a divorce in west virginia?
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somebody's bound to loose a trailer

Sep 01 2005, 10:21 AM
hey hey now. You had to play the WV trailer card, didn't you.

dischick
Sep 01 2005, 10:31 AM
im sorry... i got more west virginia ones but i will hold back.
bust out the polish jokes... i wont mind :D

dischick
Sep 01 2005, 11:45 AM
what happened to the old jokes thread?
there was a good one about ken climo and god and walking on water.
dont quite remember how it went

kvo
Sep 01 2005, 11:51 AM
Knock Knock?

dischick
Sep 01 2005, 12:05 PM
whose there?

Sep 01 2005, 12:12 PM
I had an English teacher who loved to tell this joke.

What did Silly Sally say as she sledded down the hill with 12 boys?

Radio. Radio. Radio.


Here's a little more conventional one that my sister told me.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.


Finally, a personal favorite of mine.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

kvo
Sep 01 2005, 01:48 PM
whose there?



I'm a pile up

Sep 01 2005, 02:29 PM
You can instead use Kentucky. Everyone makes fun of Kentucky.

Seneca_Ace
Sep 01 2005, 02:37 PM
I'm a pile up who?

Sep 01 2005, 02:37 PM
I'm a pile up who?


HAHAHAHAHA Seneca Ace is a pile of po[/b]o!!

kvo
Sep 01 2005, 03:43 PM
I'm a pile up who?


HAHAHAHAHA Seneca Ace is a pile of po[/b]o!!



great elementary school humor. don't ya think :D

:Dmakes me laugh everytime :D

Sep 01 2005, 07:00 PM
If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on,
what does a hard sleeper sleep with?




:eek:

Sep 02 2005, 12:22 AM
At my age I don't find it hard getting up in the morning.

idahojon
Sep 04 2005, 12:19 AM
http://www.danasoft.com/sig/discgolf.jpg

sandalman
Sep 04 2005, 01:07 AM
http://www.danasoft.com/sig/patb88.jpg

Sep 04 2005, 02:54 AM
http://www.centxdglove.com/uploads/fun.JPG

kvo
Sep 04 2005, 10:02 AM
http://www.danasoft.com/sig/discgolf.jpg



so what is the price of tea in china?

Jeannie
Sep 08 2005, 02:32 PM
Why is English So Difficult to Learn?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?


If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?


How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer, you
have to hit "START" ??

Sep 08 2005, 02:51 PM
Ouch, my head hurts

dm4
Sep 08 2005, 06:21 PM
Some of those I had to read very s-l-o-w-l-y!

switzerdan
Sep 08 2005, 11:02 PM
I actually use this in a lesson for my students - once they are at a certain level. My beginner students would probably quit! :eek:

sandalman
Sep 08 2005, 11:46 PM
yes, thats a fun one. but every language has idiosyncracies like those. english is NOT a difficult language. in fact it is one of the easiest to learn as a second language.

LouMoreno
Sep 13 2005, 12:05 PM
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom partment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Jeannie
Sep 14 2005, 10:10 PM
Not at all funny, but very cool to watch (http://www.wimp.com/chinesehands/) .

Lyle O Ross
Sep 16 2005, 12:41 PM
I'm a pile up who?


HAHAHAHAHA Seneca Ace is a pile of po[/b]o!!



great elementary school humor. don't ya think :D

:Dmakes me laugh everytime :D



That has got to be the best/worst knock knock joke ever!

cbdiscpimp
Sep 16 2005, 12:46 PM
A blonde is sitting at a table reading the WORLD section of the newspaper and she sees a headline that says 12 Brazilion Soldier die in attacks today.

She taps the shoulder of the man sitting next to her and asks "How many is a Brazilion???"

I know its bad but I just had to tell it

Sep 18 2005, 11:12 PM
The contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected, it would be the million-dollar question which was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the Arctic Tern; B) the Antshrike; C) the Cuckoo; or (D) the Jacamar?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, . . . well . . . a blonde.

Unfortunately, she had no alternative, so she called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly, "Pffft! That's easy! The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. After all, her friend was a blonde, making that the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, her friend had responded SO quickly, SO emphatically, and with SO much confidence, that, despite her better judgment, the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

The contestant hesitated:, $1,000,000 hung on her next words. And her friend was, after all, a blonde. Did she really want to risk $1.000.000 on the say-so a blonde? But she seemed so confident ...

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

The contestant hesitated for the wink of an eyelash, then blurted out:

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is . . . absolutely correct!! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How in the world did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Well, duh," huffed the blonde. "EVERYBODY knows that cuckoos don't build nests. . . . They live in clocks."

kvo
Sep 20 2005, 11:40 AM
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots
and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why
have you only ordered beer all evening?"










The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

Sep 21 2005, 01:11 PM
What do you call a 46yr old man that has never been married?

Hmmm.....let me see....











Sir Smart.....

losotd
Sep 22 2005, 12:30 PM
A language teacher was explaining to her class that
in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts,
are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison,"
"Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is
computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word
was not in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups
appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to
decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a
feminine noun. Both groups were required to give
four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should
definitely be of the feminine gender ("la
computer"), because:

* No one but their creator understands their
internal logic

* The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone
else

* Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long
term memory for possible later review

* As soon as you make a commitment to one, you
find yourself spending half your paycheque on
accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers
should be masculine "le computer") because:

* In order to do anything with them, you have to
turn them on.

* They have a lot of data but still can't think
for themselves

* They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem

* As soon as you commit to one, you realise that
if you had waited a little longer you could have
gotten a better model.

Sep 22 2005, 11:09 PM
In a recent survey, 80% of women said their [I'm a potty-mouth!] was too fat and 15% thought their [I'm a potty-mouth!] was too thin. The remaining 5% said they didn't really care . . . they would have married him anyway!

Oct 11 2005, 12:12 AM
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights. She looked down .. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a
real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Moderator005
Oct 18 2005, 03:11 PM
http://www.revo1.com/CamelToads.jpg

gnduke
Oct 19 2005, 11:53 PM
She was worried about her godson licking camel toads ? :confused:

wilma
Oct 22 2005, 02:52 PM
<font color="brown"> Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
</font>

slo
Nov 24 2005, 03:01 PM
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought."

Sally replied, "I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left." :o

esalazar
Jan 22 2006, 09:45 PM
haha!!

xterramatt
Mar 01 2006, 08:31 PM
Best Blonde Joke Ever. (http://www.xterraownersclub.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=20;t=009675)

reddman
Mar 01 2006, 10:12 PM
:D

Pizza God
Mar 01 2006, 11:04 PM
There is a web site for Xterra owner???? That is too funny, I will have to check that one out.

Paul Taylor
Mar 03 2006, 07:16 PM
LETTER FROM A FARM KID (now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego,
Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch
by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the
places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth
your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay...
practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad...
there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by
the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder
these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my
place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far
as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet
and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and
frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it
ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you
got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in
this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I
only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300
pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

pterodactyl
Mar 03 2006, 08:01 PM
That was good!! :D

sleepy
Mar 03 2006, 08:18 PM
What did the #$*&$! farmer say?



HAY!!

jmonny
Mar 23 2006, 01:03 PM
http://crowsnest.sourceforge.net/log.html

http://rslog.ytmnd.com/

m_conners
Mar 23 2006, 02:07 PM
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an
attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in
your pants."

After reading the note, the
man decided to compose one
of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return
this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle
back.

AviarX
Mar 24 2006, 10:34 PM
Two chicks were walking in the woods and came upon a horse stuck in what appeared to be quicksand.

"help me" cried the horse.

"how can we help you?" asked the chicks.

"I am stuck and need you to help me get out of this mud. If you do i will never forget it and will owe you" answered the horse

the chicks told the horse they would try to get help. they wandered down the path and found a farmhouse. noone was home but there was an unlocked Mercedes in the yard with the keys left in it. they jumped in, started the car, and drove to where the horse was.

"Grab onto the bumper with your teeth and we'll pull you out"
said the chicks

It worked and the horse was freed.

"Thank you, i'll never forget," said the horse, "i owe you"

about a year later the horse was walking in the woods and came upon the chicks. they were stuck in the mud.

"don't ask how, just help us out" the chicks pleaded

"not a problem," said the horse, "i owe you two"

the horse headed down to the farmhouse and found the Mercedes still there with the keys in it. but the horse suddenly decided not to get the car, ran back to where the chicks were stuck, and backed up to the edge of the mud.

"grab onto my 'thing' and i'll pull you out" offered the horse

the chicks grabbed on and soon were out and thanked the horse for returning the favor.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

AviarX
Mar 25 2006, 11:22 PM
two apes were playing disc golf, and one said to the other:

"my son is learning some stuff in school that i think is outrageous and shouldn't be taught."

"what is he being taught?" asked the other.

"They're teaching him about Evolution" responded the first ape.

"Why do you have a problem with it?" asked the second ape and then added reassuringly: "maybe i can help you".

"Well, he is being taught that humans evolved from us" explained the first ape,
"but , if humans evolved from us -- explain to me how come we apes are still around?"

"Oh, that is easy," replied the second ape as he pitched a 40 foot putt straight into the chains' "God gave some of us a choice."

zzgolfer
Apr 13 2006, 08:48 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, Look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber then buffalo chip. Someone stole the tent." :D

AviarX
Apr 13 2006, 11:11 PM
A woman enters a Vet. office in tears, carrying her duck.

"Help my poor duck, please help my poor duck," she exclaims.

The Vet comes in and checks the duck for a pulse and to see if it is still breatheing.
Speaking in a compassionate tone the Vet informs the woman:

"I am afraid your duck is dead."

"He can't be dead!" insists the woman, "can't you run some tests?"

"I don't think that will be necessary maam, I am fairly certain your duck is no longer with us" replies the Vet.

"Please, please run some tests -- he may be still alive!" cried the woman.

"Okay, set your duck down on that table," said the Vet, shrugging his shoulders and then leaving the room.

A few minutes later, a Cat walks out and walks straight to the duck, and looks the duck up and down with penetrating, squinted eyes. Then the cat shakes its head, meows, and walks out of the room. A few seconds later, in walks a Labrador Retriever. The lab also goes up to the duck and sniffs it all over and then lets out a whine and walks back out of the room.

A few minutes later the Vet comes in and says:

"well the tests i've run show that indeed your duck is dead."

"Okay," the woman says, "how much do i owe you?"

"$400" says the vet.

"400 dollars? That seems terribly high-priced" complains the woman.

"Well, it would have been 50 dollars maam," replied the Vet, "but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it all adds up."

zzgolfer
Apr 26 2006, 11:38 AM
Seasonal Differences in the regions of the USA:

60 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats. Chicago people sunbathe.

50 degrees - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Chicago people plant gardens.

40 degrees - Italian cars won't start. Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 degrees - CHICAGO--NO PLACE LIKE IT! Distilled water freezes. Lake Michiga n's water gets thicker.

20 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico. Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

50 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

60 below -- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below (Absolute Zero) - ALL atomic motion stops. Chicago people start saying... "Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

You must learn to pronounce the city name... it is Shi-ca-go, or Sha-ca-ga... depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd, respectively. AS FOR ME...I'M FROM THE NORTH SIDE OF ROOSEVELT RD....SO ITS SHA-CA-GO, DON'T FORGET IT EITHER

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one. If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere, Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94" ... which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 5AM to noon. The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 10PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly beat to death or even shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had so much fun with that we have added the Elgin O'Hare Expressway (which oddly enough doesn't go to Elgin OR O'Hare) and I-355 to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental.

The Congress Expressway, commonly referred to as the Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR (though often at speeds that don't exceed 5 mph).

The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.

If you go to Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park in the "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2,500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run him over.

Welcome to Chicago... there's no place like it!

Parkntwoputt
Apr 26 2006, 12:58 PM
That was great.

I grew up in northern Indiana, and my wife is from Summit. I know about all of those places and everything is true. Man I miss that place. :(

zzgolfer
May 11 2006, 09:08 PM
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Moderator005
Jun 01 2006, 10:07 AM
http://www.superdickery.com/images/other/10447_4_0271.jpg

circle_2
Jun 01 2006, 10:43 AM
http://www.superdickery.com/images/other/10447_4_0271.jpg


"Hey Archie, give her the pearl necklace!"

quickdisc
Jun 11 2006, 05:41 PM
http://www.superdickery.com/images/other/10447_4_0271.jpg

She said pearl necklace.

circle_2
Oct 03 2006, 10:55 AM
Hilary Rodham is 'coming out' with her new designer fragrance for Christmas '06...

It's called Clintoris...

:o/msgboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

superq16504
Oct 03 2006, 04:55 PM
http://www.superdickery.com/images/other/10447_4_0271.jpg

She said pearl necklace.



Achie give her the abe lincoln!!!

circle_2
Oct 03 2006, 05:33 PM
Heehaw...!!!! :D

denny1210
Oct 03 2006, 06:48 PM
She gets a charge out of bein so weird,
Digs gettin downright strange.
But I can keep a handle on anything,
Just this side of deranged.


http://photos.lacoccinelle.net/68/25/6825.jpg

http://www.cnn.com/images/0011/top.bush.zztop.ap.jpg

ANHYZER
Oct 03 2006, 07:15 PM
Lyle O. Ross

quickdisc
Oct 03 2006, 08:51 PM
Newest one I heard .....................

" A Disc Golfer , walks into a Bar
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...................=============================== ================================================== ================================================== =====




That's the Joke !!!!!!! He never comes out !!!!! :D

Pizza God
Oct 06 2006, 06:10 PM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/GdARoYT3cww"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/GdARoYT3cww" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

zzgolfer
Feb 13 2007, 07:14 PM
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Pizza God
Feb 14 2007, 03:44 AM
Yep, use to have that posted on my office door.

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 07:20 AM
Taths smoe azmainzg fkcunig siht I cnat fcnukig blievee it

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 07:30 AM
Count how many times you see the letter f in the following text:

Scientific research at the University of California in San Francisco show that people can't read worth a hill of beans if they even tried.

3 times, right?

discette
Feb 14 2007, 09:22 AM
I get 6.

Feb 14 2007, 10:57 AM
I got 4

AviarX
Feb 14 2007, 12:27 PM
if "the following text:" is taken literally i get 4 too.

btw, was that supposed to read "can" or can't" :confused:

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 12:46 PM
No it isn't, so you got 3. The reason you got 3 and he got 4 is that nobody notices the "f" in the words "of" or "if" because they read them as words and not letters. There are actualy 6 f's in that text. I think Discette cheated because nobody sees all 6 unless they cheat like she did

AviarX
Feb 14 2007, 12:52 PM
no, you misread me. i didn't count 6 because i did not count the 2 f's which precede the colon after the word 'text'

i counted 4 -- the hardest one to see for me was the one in "California" (not the f in if -- that one was easy)

Discette didn't cheat, she misread what the word following means ;)

DSproAVIAR
Feb 14 2007, 01:32 PM
Nope, there are 6 F's after the word "following." THere are 8 total. Morgan's point has been proven. That is interesting.

MDR_3000
Feb 14 2007, 01:34 PM
Count how many times you see the letter f in the following text:

Scientific research at the University of California in San Francisco show that people can't read worth a hill of beans if they even tried.

3 times, right?



Looks like six to me. :)

the_beastmaster
Feb 14 2007, 01:36 PM
Scientific research at the University of California in San Francisco show that people can't read worth a hill of beans if they even tried.



Edit: Okay 6, forgot to bold the first "of".

DSproAVIAR
Feb 14 2007, 01:38 PM
Scientific research at the University


of


California in San Francisco show that people can't read worth a hill of beans if they even tried.



I get 5. I'm not counting the "f" in following because that's BS. It says "following text:" So, after the colon.

Btw, it's not hard to spot them if you read it backwards. Because you're looking at the letters for what they are, and not reading words.

discette
Feb 14 2007, 02:06 PM
No it isn't, so you got 3. The reason you got 3 and he got 4 is that nobody notices the "f" in the words "of" or "if" because they read them as words and not letters. There are actualy 6 f's in that text. I think Discette cheated because nobody sees all 6 unless they cheat like she did




I simply counted all the "f"s. I wasn't looking at the words, only the letters.

Pizza God
Feb 14 2007, 02:16 PM
i had a hard time finding all 6, I had to delete all letters will i was left with 6. I kept skipping over the f before Calafornia.

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 02:27 PM
I think the f in if is easier to see, but the f in of is usually skipped people just see the word of and dont see the f

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 02:31 PM
Results of scientific research at the University of California in San Francisco show that people can't read worth a hill of beans.

Lyle O Ross
Feb 14 2007, 02:37 PM
Does the research explain why this happens? What in the world makes people view if and of differently?

AviarX
Feb 14 2007, 03:05 PM
Nope, there are 6 F's after the word "following." THere are 8 total. Morgan's point has been proven. That is interesting.



yeah right /msgboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif there are actually 42

(Morgan keeps editing the sentence in the original post and noone quoted him with an earlier version) :p

geomy
Feb 14 2007, 03:38 PM
if = f
of = v


Does the research explain why this happens? What in the world makes people view if and of differently?

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 04:22 PM
I just edited it so there would be 3 of's and no if's.

But once you learn the secret and know there's an f in of, you can't do it anymore. The cat is out of the bag of worms

zzgolfer
Feb 14 2007, 09:12 PM
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man
elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces
(USRSF).

These Redneck boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given
only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken fried steak.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

morgan
Feb 14 2007, 09:44 PM
1. No beer?
2. No female Iraqi scent?
3. No Iraqi mating calls?
4. No coon hounds?
5. Why 500? You figure 4 or 5 super-duty's filled to all 4 doors, and two guys in the bed of each would be enough

accidentalROLLER
Mar 29 2007, 07:21 PM
The Donkey is the only known animal that can reproduce by [deleted due to offensive language].

26408
Mar 30 2007, 11:15 AM
A Pirate walks into a bar, The bartender looks at him and say's hey buddy you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants The Pirate replies, Yarrggh it's driving me nut's! :D

Pizza God
Mar 30 2007, 12:08 PM
http://www.gifmania.co.uk/Star-Trek/logos_klingon/Anim_klinglogo4.gif
ah oh, looks like we have a trek freak. (but then am I a treky for knowing that is the symbol for the Kingons :o)

klemrock
Mar 30 2007, 01:04 PM
"Eat any good books lately?"
Who said it and to whom was it said?

26408
Mar 30 2007, 01:36 PM
Yeah, I'm a Trekkie, Next Generation only though. :D

jrsnapp
Mar 31 2007, 12:20 AM
What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand?



cuatro cinco :D

circle_2
Apr 08 2007, 03:06 PM
Was watching The Ten Commandments for the umpteenth time last night.......and just started uncontrollably LMAO! Cuz Charlton Heston and The Falconer (from SNL) sound so [email protected] similar! Try it!! :D

wheresdave
Apr 10 2007, 10:33 AM
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is
going to have kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,

"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said,! "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

riverdog
Apr 10 2007, 11:45 AM
Loved it CC!! You also stumbled onto the reason dogs love kids so much...... there's always something tasty on them somewhere. :D

accidentalROLLER
Jun 11 2007, 12:09 PM
What's the difference between trash and Jersey girls?

sandalman
Jun 11 2007, 12:15 PM
Trash gets picked up and taken out at least ONCE

zzgolfer
Jun 11 2007, 03:12 PM
19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity : 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Don t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go

m_conners
Jun 11 2007, 05:25 PM
Hah!! I like 2, 7, 11, and 18.

accidentalROLLER
Jun 11 2007, 05:45 PM
I'm going to try #5. I bet this is going to result in a murder, though.

dre
Jun 14 2007, 05:27 PM
Drunken Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." :D

discgolfdog
Jun 14 2007, 05:43 PM
20. Go into the dressing room at a department store and yell "Little help here, somebody stole all the toilet paper."

zzgolfer
Jun 14 2007, 08:25 PM
21. Line basket with tin foil add charcoal hide in woods and wait for disc golfers.

zzgolfer
Jun 18 2007, 11:58 AM
The Pond

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.

When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but they can still think fast.

dischick
Jun 20 2007, 11:21 AM
things to do to the rookies at work when working in a restaurant:
*have them rotate the ice in the ice machine
*de- lime the corona bottles (one of my favorites)
*empty the hot water out of the coffee machine
*send them to dry storage to get the left handed steam hammer for you- time how long it takes for them to come back and tell you they dont know what that is
*take a string about 10 feet long, secretly tie it onto the back of their apron, and on teh other end tie a fork to it. time how long it takes for them to realize they are dragging a fork
*antique someone
*prank the hostess stand by calling in a party of 50 for a half hour before close- watch them panik
*ask them to get an autograph from the punk rocker dude at their table, say its the lead singer of RUSH
*tell them the hotty in your section wants their number and to go over and talk to em

WVOmorningwood
Jun 20 2007, 12:04 PM
Jeez Disc Hick...i'm glad I don't work for you!

See you at the WVO on Labor Day?????

gotcha
Jun 20 2007, 04:33 PM
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
golf disc standing over a lifeless man. The detective
asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf disc?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the disc, and puts
her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a
five."

dischick
Jun 21 2007, 09:46 AM
wish i could make the WVO, hopefully i will again at some point in my lifetime. my classes start the day after, and plus gas is like 10$ a gallon.
we will meet again teescum, i promise!

rollinghedge
Jul 04 2007, 11:10 AM
After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers. )

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

dre
Jul 09 2007, 03:37 PM
the new issue of playboy just came in and this was in it.
i love the "party jokes" section. /msgboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif /msgboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif amungst other parts /msgboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif /msgboard/images/graemlins/smirk.gif


Laura bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. she told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart, George has already taught him to pronounce more than 200 words."
"Wow, that's impressive," Cheney said. "But you do realize he just says the words; he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"That's fine," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

dre
Jul 09 2007, 03:40 PM
did you hear they found a new use for sheep in west virginia???
Wool ;)

dre
Jul 09 2007, 03:42 PM
a redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow. however , she can't touch it until she turns 14.

dre
Jul 09 2007, 03:47 PM
"when i'm gone i want you to marry our neighbor," a man said to his wife on his death bed.
"why our neighbor?" his wife asked. "you've hated him all your life."
"still do," gasped the husband

dre
Jul 09 2007, 03:56 PM
A married woman was growing frustrated at her husband's lack of intrest in sex. To add some pizzazz to their sex life she slipped on some crotchless panties and made her move. "want some of this?" she purred to him
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to you underwear."

m_conners
Jul 12 2007, 05:40 PM
Two fellows are pushing their carts around walmart when they collide. The first man says to the second, "sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I cant find her and i'm getting a little desperate."

"Well maybe I can help" says the first man. "What does she look like?"

"She's 27, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs. She's wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first man says. "Nevermind, Let's look for yours."

Bizzle
Jul 12 2007, 05:51 PM
The circle of life

Circle Of Life
At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

Bizzle
Jul 12 2007, 06:00 PM
Elevator Magic

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

m_conners
Aug 16 2007, 05:54 PM
<font color="blue"> [borderline offensive material edited out] </font>

Grog
Aug 20 2007, 12:34 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through Indian lands when they hear native drums.
The Lone Ranger asks, " What is it Tonto? What are the drums saying?"
Tonto jumps down off his horse. Picks up a few sticks,sniffs them. Puts his ear to the ground, throws some loose dirt in the air and says, "Everything OK Kemosabe! As long as drums play we OK!"
So they continue on their way with the sounds of drums beating in the distance.
All day the drums play, all night the drums play. Just before dawn the next morning the drums stop.
The Lone Ranger gets a little nervous and wakes up Tonto.
"Tonto, the drums have stopped. Whats going to happen to us now?"
Tonto rolls out from under his blanket. Picks up some sticks and leaves, sniffs them. Puts his ear to the ground, throws more dirt in the air to check the wind.
"Everything Ok Kemosabe! Just bi tchin' guitar solo!"

gotcha
Aug 22 2007, 02:31 PM
On a disc golf golf course in Alaska there were bears in the surrounding forest.
Because the bears would often wander out on the course, the property owners would often speak to the out of town visitors.
During tournaments, the course marshal would provide the following advice:

"Wear noise producing devices such as little bells on your clothing to alert bears to your presence. Try not to startle them.
Carry a can of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear and watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should learn to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."

dre
Aug 22 2007, 11:36 PM
LMAO :eek: :D

zzgolfer
Aug 23 2007, 03:48 PM
Police station toilet stolen ....
cops have nothing to go on.

circle_2
Aug 24 2007, 12:02 PM
But Your Honor...the sign said, "Fine for Parking"?????!

lowe
Aug 24 2007, 12:58 PM
Two hunters were driving down the interstate to get to the woods. They saw a sign that said, "Bear left", so they turned around and went home.

gottagothrow
Aug 24 2007, 01:36 PM
But Your Honor...the sign said, "Fine for Parking"?????!


"I do not think it means what you think it means" Your Honor said back.

DD

PS, sorry for the slight cross thread post, but it seemed appropriately funny.
PB Thread (http://www.pdga.com/msgboard/showflat.php?Cat=0&amp;Board=OtherPDGATopics&amp;Number=72 8485&amp;page=0&amp;fpart=all)

my_hero
Aug 24 2007, 05:11 PM
I accidentally posted this in the "random post" thread. Should be here:


A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."



So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.


A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"


So the koala looks down at him and says: "Whoa dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

zzgolfer
Aug 25 2007, 01:11 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never ! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

zzgolfer
Oct 08 2007, 07:03 PM
ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals &amp; bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity".
And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."

10. There are no delis. Don't ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when
making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven

14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot"
you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a
bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.

21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't
mean anything's broken.

22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you
really mean to say is 'Margarita.'

23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school
football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance
to the door, but the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto
the shoulder that is called "courtesy".

26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot
dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular
weekend pastime.

28. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Grog
Oct 09 2007, 12:35 AM
John,

Being born and raised a Texan I take great offense at this slander on my heritage. Myths such as suggested by your list only serve to propagate such.

That being said I feel it is my responsibility to point out errors in your list and set the record straight:

We have three seasons, last summer, this summer and next summer.

and.........

30. Red wine is properly served with armadillo.

I understand this oversite, Arizona is a little out synch when it comes to good southern ethics.

Thank you,
Greg "Grog" Galloway,
Ambassador at Little for the Lone Star State

Oct 09 2007, 10:19 AM
Here is the worst joke i have ever heard!!

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
cuz its dead!

zzgolfer
Oct 09 2007, 11:27 AM
John,

Being born and raised a Texan I take great offense at this slander on my heritage. Myths such as suggested by your list only serve to propagate such.

That being said I feel it is my responsibility to point out errors in your list and set the record straight:

We have three seasons, last summer, this summer and next summer.

and.........

30. Red wine is properly served with armadillo.

I understand this oversite, Arizona is a little out synch when it comes to good southern ethics.

Thank you,
Greg "Grog" Galloway,
Ambassador at Little for the Lone Star State



Gregory,

I am sorry if I offended you and the the great state of Texas, my brain is just now starting to cool down from summer. By the way I hear that the armadillos are moving north. Pretty soon they will be in Alaska!

As far as Arizona being out of synch, I blame all the people from Chicago that have moved here!

Thank you
John ZZ Hansen
Former Chicago resident.

LouMoreno
Oct 16 2007, 05:30 PM
Why did the cyclops have to close his school?




Because he only had one pupil.

Discraft_Keith
Oct 16 2007, 08:59 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a DISC golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man picks it up, puts it on speakerphone, and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

zzgolfer
Oct 24 2007, 02:07 PM
A wife asks her husband, "How come you're not playing golf with Joe anymore?" "Would you play golf with a guy who moves his disc to a better position when you're not watching? Would you play golf with a guy that "forgets" to count some of his strokes," the husband exclaims! The wife replies, "No, I guess I wouldn't!" "Neither will Joe

Grog
Oct 24 2007, 10:03 PM
Hey, I resemble that remark!

zzgolfer
Oct 27 2007, 02:37 PM
THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Alacrity
Oct 29 2007, 04:58 PM
George's new colleagues always met for a round of disc golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but that he may be 30 minutes late.

On Saturday morning, George was there at exactly 10:00 a.m. He threw right-handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but that he may be 30 minutes late again.

He shows up right on time, throws left-handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 30 minutes late and then always winning the round, throwing either left- or right-handed.

His friends are getting tired of this, and decide to ask him what the deal is. They say, "George, every Saturday you say you may be 30 minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and throw either right-handed or left-handed, and always win. What's up with that?"

George replies, "Well, I am a very superstitious guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I throw left-handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I throw right-handed.''

"Well," one of the employees questioned, "What happens if she is lying on her back?''

George replies, "Then I am 30 minutes late."

Big E
Jan 07 2008, 12:07 PM
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said "take a sweater."

Alacrity
Jan 07 2008, 02:22 PM
The old conundrum, golf course or intercourse��


Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said "take a sweater."

twoputtok
Jan 07 2008, 03:09 PM
Doesn't matter I can do either one by myself. :D

stack
Jan 10 2008, 10:31 AM
discussion bard approved joke


A ______, a _______, and a _______ all walk into a bar. The _____ orders a ______. The _____ says "I'll have a _____". Finally, _____ says "Why ______ when ______ ______ ______"

LOL

wait!... am I allowed to say 'bar'?!
:o

circle_2
Jan 10 2008, 02:19 PM
You're one blank over the line...buh bye. /msgboard/images/graemlins/ooo.gif

stack
Jan 10 2008, 04:17 PM
SHHHHH!!!!! They'll hear you!

Alacrity
Jan 11 2008, 10:48 AM
A guy out on the disc golf course hears someone yell fore and turns just in time to take a Devilhawk right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your member in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of mammery glands. This was the first time he had seen them.

She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

my_hero
Feb 05 2008, 06:43 PM
A man thought that his wife was cheating on him. Since he didn't have
a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to
go with a much cheaper one - a Chinese man named Mr. Lee.

The following day he received following report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house I follow. He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No Fee,

Chen Lee

the camera guy
Feb 05 2008, 10:32 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers
did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet. So, when
the teacher prodded him about his father he replied,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a [censored] cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said , "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Pizza God
Feb 11 2008, 04:32 PM
While walking down the street one day a US
Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.

�Welcome to heaven,� says St. Peter.
�Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
official around these parts, you see, so we�re not sure what to do with
you.�

�No problem, just let me in,� says the
man.

�Well, I�d like to, but I have orders from
higher up. What we�ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in
heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.�

�Really, I�ve made up my mind. I want to
be in heaven,� says the senator.

�I�m sorry, but we have our rules.�

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in
front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run
to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having
such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while
the elevator rises�

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

�Now it�s time to visit heaven.�

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns. �Well, then, you�ve spent a day in hell and another in
heaven. Now choose your eternity.�

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
�Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.�

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he�s in
the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up
the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around
his shoulder.

�I don�t understand,� stammers the
senator. �Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse,
and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great
time. Now there�s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable.

What happened?�

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, �Yesterday
we were campaigning�.

today you voted.�

Pizza God
Feb 11 2008, 04:40 PM
It�s a tough war we�re in. It�s not going to
be over right away. There�s going to be other wars. I�m sorry to
tell you, there�s going to be other wars. We will never surrender but
there will be other wars.� �John McCain, January 27, 2008








Oh yea, that is not a joke, wrong thread

dm4
Feb 15 2008, 12:35 PM
A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods . . .
. . . when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. His eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "O.K., now what?"

m_conners
Feb 15 2008, 12:40 PM
Monica Lewinski walks into her dry cleaners, and the elderly owner is in the back and he is hard of hearing.

She says" It's Monica Lewinski, and I have a stain on my dress."

The old man says,"What"

She says,"I have a stain on my dress."

He says, "Come again?"

She says, "No, coffee"

ANHYZER
Feb 15 2008, 12:48 PM
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government
official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his
wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the
damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in
your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a
minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running
it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man
spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that.'

ANHYZER
Feb 15 2008, 12:50 PM
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. "How about Iraq ?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile.

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when
you don't know shi...

gotcha
Feb 18 2008, 09:11 PM
GOLF ~ Improve <u>Your</u> Game

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...

Chapter 12 - How to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome

Chapter 13 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 14 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 16 - When to Re grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 18 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The
Cart Girl and Give Her a $3 Tip, But Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th Hole and
Stiff the Bartender.......

Big E
Feb 27 2008, 01:22 PM
The Meaning of It All.



Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a Jack Daniel's and a splash along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said, "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"

And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool, and it can be used for good or bad."

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "What is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn .....

jmonny
Feb 27 2008, 05:05 PM
Guy walks into the doctor's office

Guy: "doctor..doctor..I have a problem!"
Doctor: "what is it?"
Guy: "I can't quit singing The Green Green Grass of Home"
Doctor: "sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome"
Guy: "is it common?"
Doctor: "It's not Unusual"

Alacrity
Feb 28 2008, 12:21 PM
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of disc golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. An ancillary to this is don�t ever claim a round is your worst round ever, this will result in several worse within the next week or so.

LAW 3: Brand new discs are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the disc, the greater its attraction to water. Hence the reason CE plastic sold on E-Bay is often close to brand new and often found in water. An extension to this rule, is that preference for a disc is in direct proportion to it ability to be attracted to water.

LAW 4: Discs never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to shank a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You were robbed!," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The lower a disc golfer's rating, the more qualified he/she deems themselves to give throwing advice.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Smacking your hand on a tree during a throw is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Mesquites, oaks and pine trees eat golf discs, often never to be seen again.

LAW 10: The shule is alive and contains a malevolent soul. If it doesn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Gatorade and water bottles always run out at the farthest point from any chance at a refill.

LAW 12: A disc golfer throwing into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally throw into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All drivers become possessed by the devil when the wind exceeds 20 mph. Putters are much more easily possessed and will jump or drop in even a slight breeze as if the basket is an exorcist and it is seeking escape.

LAW 14: Discs from the same run tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe anhyzer is a thing of awesome power and beauty and can often go further from a basket then you thought you could throw.

LAW 16: "Good layup" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "I can't believe you missed that" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to, will always be the one who beats you and will often times be on your card.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Disc golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a disc golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Pizza God
Feb 28 2008, 10:28 PM
so Chelsy Clinton was visiting with Solders in Iraq.

She asked them what they were scared of.

''Three things scare us''

Osama


Obama


Yo mama

J A B
Apr 03 2008, 08:29 AM
So, I know the punch line to a joke, but I do not know/remember the set up. Can anyone help?

"Rectum? **** near killed 'em!"

Thanks.

DEVO
Apr 03 2008, 02:05 PM
How do you change a dishwasher into a snowplow? :confused:
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
Hand her a shovel! :D

DEVO
Apr 03 2008, 04:44 PM
[QUOTE]
So, I know the punch line to a joke, but I do not know/remember the set up. Can anyone help?

"Rectum? **** near killed 'em!"

One version:
Little Johnny came into his classroom on Monday morning. His teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horrible!", he said. "A car hit my dog in the [censored]!"

"Rectum", corrected the teacher.

"Rectum?", replied Johnny. "**** near killed 'im!".

711
Apr 04 2008, 12:25 AM
So, I know the punch line to a joke, but I do not know/remember the set up. Can anyone help?

"Rectum? **** near killed 'em!"

Thanks.



One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ***.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'

The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ***.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word '***' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny said, 'Rectum? Hell, it **** near killed 'em.'

Pizza God
May 01 2008, 12:00 AM
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened; what's the hold up?'


"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Barak Obama, Rosie O'Donnell,Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
.
.
.
.
.
.

"About a gallon."

Pizza God
May 12 2008, 06:27 PM
Doctors!!!!!



&gt;A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that

we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'



&gt;A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one

person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'



&gt;A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that

we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'





A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas; put him in the White House.

Now half the country is looking for work.

m_conners
May 15 2008, 02:28 PM
A young woman brings home her fianc�e to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fianc�e to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fianc�e.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I'm God."

Pizza God
May 24 2008, 09:30 PM
Your choice?...Where to Live After Retirement


You can live in Phoenix , Arizona or San Antone, Texas where....




1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!





You can Live in California where...




1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought





You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.


You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc

You can live in Colorado where..

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

dgnickster9224
May 26 2008, 08:58 PM
Why cant Helen Keller drive?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She's a woman.

zzgolfer
Jun 09 2008, 05:07 PM
Police Car Chasing a BMW
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car saleroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.' I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

Alacrity
Jun 10 2008, 11:21 AM
A woman returns from her husbands funeral service with his ashes in tow. She pours her husband's ashes out on their coffee table and says to him "John you know how I always wanted a diamond ring for my birthday and you never bought me one, well here is the one I always wanted." She says and hold her hand towards the ashes showing off a brand new large diamond ring.

"And John you know how I always wanted to go on a cruise, well I am leaving shortly to tour the Virgin Islands. I will be driving a brand new Cadillac I asked you for last year and finally bought for myself yesterday. And one more thing before I leave, since your money bought all the things I have been asking you for for years here is the one thing you always asked for and never got."

She then leaned over the coffee table and with one big breath blew his ashes all over the living room. "If you are born again you might remember next time to buy the gifts early if you want another blow before you die."

jmonny
Jun 19 2008, 08:26 AM
Not really a joke but a humorous blog posted after one of the kids missed the word below at the Scripps spelling bee:

Rankine - It's some temperature scale that nobody uses anymore. It was probably never really used except in Mr. Rankine's home. It's named after the dude who invented it. The fact that the kids have to spell someone's last name is absolutely unfair. Does this also mean that you could just invent some new unit of distance and name it after yourself? Is there a legal process you have to follow to get a unit of measure named after you? Like one Johnson is equivalent to 16.3 centimeters?

5355
Jun 20 2008, 12:38 PM
Why did Barry Schultz wear 2 pair of pants at The Memorial?












In case he got a hole in one.

MTL21676
Jun 20 2008, 12:39 PM
Well I hope he wore 3, cuz he got 2.

m_conners
Jun 20 2008, 12:45 PM
Why did Barry Schultz wear 2 pair of pants at The Memorial?












In case he got a hole in one.



Wow, you have a great sense of humor! :D

stack
Jun 20 2008, 01:37 PM
Why did Barry Schultz wear 2 pair of pants at The Memorial?












So when he took one pair off and threw it on the ground and cursed he'd still have a pair to wear or throw later



:D

Pizza God
Jul 24 2008, 11:54 AM
Subject: SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1) Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used size
14-16 work boots.
2) Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &amp;
Ammo Magazine.
3) Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4) Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim:


I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with
the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Any way, I locked all 4 of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.


Cooter

Pizza God
Jul 25 2008, 11:16 PM
Okay, here's the plan:

1) Back off and allow those men who want to marry men, marry men.
2) Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
3) Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
4) In three generations, there will be no democrats!!!

Man, I love it when a plan comes together

Grog
Jul 27 2008, 12:41 PM
Okay, here's the plan:

1) Back off and allow those men who want to marry men, marry men.
2) Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
3) Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
4) In three generations, there will be no democrats!!!

Man, I love it when a plan comes together



That works for me, now if we just send all the Republicans to Iraq we can have our country back! :D

Get them a big enough ship and they can haul the freaking UN building and everyone in it with them. This country has been having trouble ever since 1492. See where lax immigration laws gets you.

Pizza God
Jul 27 2008, 03:14 PM
Not all Republicans are bad, just a majority of the ones in office :D

Actually you would be surprised at how many long time Republicans are not happy with Bush, they just fell Bush is better than a Democrat.

That is why most of them will vote for McCain, not because they agree with him on all the issues, but because he has the best chance of beating Obama, who stands for everything true conservitives are against. [as oppose to 50 percent with McCain]

That alone is a joke :D

gnduke
Jul 27 2008, 09:57 PM
too bad there isn't a "none of the above" that forces the parties to supply new candidates.

Grog
Jul 27 2008, 10:21 PM
Not all Republicans are bad, just a majority of the ones in office :D

Actually you would be surprised at how many long time Republicans are not happy with Bush, they just fell Bush is better than a Democrat.

That is why most of them will vote for McCain, not because they agree with him on all the issues, but because he has the best chance of beating Obama, who stands for everything true conservitives are against. [as oppose to 50 percent with McCain]

That alone is a joke :D



Isn't one of the best reasons to live in Texas, you don't have to register any party affiliation....and everyone thinks we're bassackwards!
Although in 3 semesters of US Government we were preached about the advantages of a 2 party system. I've tried, but I cant find any refereence to "political parties" anywhere in the Constitution. I have found several instances referring to a "free man". Too bad no native Americans are running (nostalgia moment for Bryan, remember Barefoot Sanders?)

Pizza God
Jul 31 2008, 02:09 PM
Subject: Butch the Rooster

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

Richard
Jul 31 2008, 04:27 PM
The typical wife

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a better lover than you are.

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster.

By now shes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isnt there anything you want?

The wife says, No, Ive got everything I need.

Oh, really, he says, so what have you got?

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, The airbag.

Richard
Jul 31 2008, 04:32 PM
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? When Mary didnt stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. God Almighty ! shouted Mary and the teacher said, Very good and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, Who is our Lord and Savior? But Mary didnt even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. Jesus Christ! shouted Mary and the teacher said, Very good, and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, Ill break it in half! The Teacher fainted.

Richard
Jul 31 2008, 04:35 PM
Hired Help

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, Who is this?

This is the maid, answers the woman.

We dont have a maid, says the man.

The woman says, I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.

The man says, Well, this is her husband. Is she there?

The woman replies, She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

The maid says, What will I have to do?

The man tells her, I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk shes with.

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, What do I do with the bodies?

The man says, Throw them in the swimming pool.

Puzzled, the maid answers, But you dont have a pool.

A long pause and the man says, Is this 567-5309?

Richard
Jul 31 2008, 04:54 PM
Last one for now.

Stupid Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a [censored]?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your [censored]?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Pizza God
Aug 04 2008, 03:41 PM
Thought for the day

Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant'
Is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'

gnduke
Aug 04 2008, 08:12 PM
now that you gave them the idea....

bravo
Aug 05 2008, 04:15 PM
what do you call someone who is crazy for hot chocolate?






























a cocoa nut

zzgolfer
Aug 22 2008, 03:07 PM
Confucius say: man who fart in church sits in own pew.
Confucius say: man who walks through airport door sideway is going to Bangkok.

zzgolfer
Aug 22 2008, 03:08 PM
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

zzgolfer
Aug 22 2008, 03:09 PM
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

veganray
Aug 22 2008, 03:19 PM
Man standing on toilet is high on pot.

zzgolfer
Aug 22 2008, 05:37 PM
He who only golf's with disc does not need to touch balls

circle_2
Aug 23 2008, 01:48 AM
Confucius say: pickle make soggy bookmark.

Grog
Aug 23 2008, 07:25 AM
Confucius say: pickle make soggy bookmark.



....but man who put cat in pickle barrel soon have sour puss.

JNelson
Aug 25 2008, 02:51 PM
Three little ducks go into a Bar...

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'

Alacrity
Aug 26 2008, 11:20 AM
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n 'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell, or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

kkrasinski
Aug 26 2008, 12:15 PM
The young widow was having trouble running the ranch she and her late husband owned. All of the ranch hands she hired ended up trying to take advantage of her. Out of desperation, she sought out and hired a homosexual ranch hand.

He worked out great! Hardworking and dedicated he was devoted to the job but very respectful of the beautiful rancher.

After several weeks on the job, the rancher decided to reward the ranch hand, sending him out for a night on the town at her expense.

As the night wore on, the rancher was anxious for his return. Finally, in the wee hours of the morning he opened the door to the bunkhouse to find her waiting by the wood stove, wineglass in hand.

"Close the door" she said. He complied.

"Take off my blouse" she commanded. With trembling hands he unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

"Now my boots". He slowly removed her boots and then her socks, lying them neatly on top the boots.

"Take off my jeans" she said. He unbuttoned the jeans and slid them off.

"Now take off my bra". He stared into her violet eyes as he slowly removed her bra and let it fall to the floor.

"And my panties". Without breaking her gaze, he nervously slid off her panties and dropped them next to the bra.

She took a sip of wine, then set down the glass and exclaimed...

..."If you ever wear my clothes again, you're fired!"

zzgolfer
Aug 26 2008, 03:35 PM
Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:

READ SLOWLY ...

01. A day without sunshine is like night.

02. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

03. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

04. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

05. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

06. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

07. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

08. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

09. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

DEVO
Aug 27 2008, 11:04 AM
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd love to be eight again.' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops

and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:

the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a
McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and
a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink

and her favorite lolly and M&amp;M's.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, �Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you twit! :o



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong. :D

Pizza God
Aug 27 2008, 03:39 PM
This just in:



All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, and north Florida have sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented, "Them Russians may have invaded Georgia, but they sure as hell ain't doin' that to Alabama." Confederate flags are reported to be selling briskly as well.

Lyle O Ross
Aug 27 2008, 05:11 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and George Bush are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the doctor says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose until they are in a perfect replica of a human skeleton. "Good dog!" The doctor says.

The engineer, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones of been rearranged as a perfect replica of the San Fransisco bridge.

George Bush is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like me. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, humps the other dogs, steals all the bones and as he trots off back to the White House says, I'm gonna take the afternoon off to play a round of golf."

Big E
Aug 27 2008, 05:40 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a democrat are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the doctor says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose until they are in a perfect replica of a human skeleton. "Good dog!" The doctor says.

The engineer, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones of been rearranged as a perfect replica of the San Fransisco bridge.

The democrat is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like me. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, humps the other dogs, steals all the bones and as he trots off back to the White House says, I'm gonna take the afternoon off to play a round of golf."

zzgolfer
Aug 27 2008, 06:19 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a republican are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the doctor says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose until they are in a perfect replica of a human skeleton. "Good dog!" The doctor says.

The engineer, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones of been rearranged as a perfect replica of the San Fransisco bridge.

The republican is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like President Bush. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, humps the other dogs, steals all the bones and as he trots off back to the White House says, I'm gonna take the afternoon off to shine Cheney�s shoes."

:eek: :D:D

Lyle O Ross
Aug 27 2008, 06:26 PM
LTSCOMN

Big E
Aug 27 2008, 06:44 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a Independent are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the doctor says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose until they are in a perfect replica of a human skeleton. "Good dog!" The doctor says.

The engineer, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones of been rearranged as a perfect replica of the San Fransisco bridge.

The Independent is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like me. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, humps the other dogs, steals all the bones and as he trots off back to the White House says, I'm gonna take the afternoon off to play a round of golf."

Big E
Aug 27 2008, 06:45 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a :eek: are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the doctor says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose until they are in a perfect replica of a human skeleton. "Good dog!" The doctor says.

The engineer, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones of been rearranged as a perfect replica of the San Fransisco bridge.

The Liberal is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like me. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, humps the other dogs, steals all the bones and as he trots off back to the White House says, I'm gonna take the afternoon off to play a round of golf." :eek: :D:D

Lyle O Ross
Aug 27 2008, 07:19 PM
You're reaching BigE. At least make it funny again.

A doctor, an engineer, and a Disc Golfer are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the doctor says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose until they are in a perfect replica of a human skeleton. "Good dog!" The doctor says.

The engineer, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones of been rearranged as a perfect replica of the San Fransisco bridge.

The Disc Golfer is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like me. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, humps the other dogs, steals all the bones, lights up a joint and as he trots off back to the golf course says, "I'm gonna take the afternoon off to play a round of golf in a protected division that I feel entitled to play in."

zzgolfer
Aug 27 2008, 08:56 PM
A policeman, a Blackwater goon, and a Disc Golfer are out walking their dogs one afternoon when they happen to meet at a butcher shop just as the butcher throws out a pile of bones. The three stop and the policeman says:

"Watch this! Go Lady!" His dog runs over to the pile of bones and pushes them around with her nose, tells them to shut up and beats them until they beg for mercy. "Good dog!" The policeman says.

The blackwater goon, unimpressed, says, "well, watch this! Go girl!" His dog goes at it with a will and pretty soon the bones are bleeding and unconscious. Then taken away to god knows where with a hood over their head.

The Disc Golfer is at a loss, he's never had his dog trained but he knows he has to do something. He leans over and looks the dog in the face, "alright boy, go out there and act like me. Go on now!" His dog jumps over, hugs the other dogs, gives them all the bones except one, lights up a joint and passes it around, as he trots off back to the golf course says, "I'm gonna take the afternoon off to play a round of golf want to join me?"

Lyle O Ross
Aug 28 2008, 02:01 PM
SweeeeeT!

Still laughing! Those disc golfers are a good bunch. Imagine if they were ruling the world.

bob
Aug 29 2008, 07:34 PM
An 80 year old Italian goes to his doctor for an annual check-up. The
doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you
stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a disc golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad's dead?'

The doctor is in amazement. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
Dad's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Italian disc golfer. 'In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk and had a
little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a
disc golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandpa's dead?'

Absolutely stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian disc golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
disc golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married; Why
would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Grog
Aug 30 2008, 08:35 AM
Ahh Yes. The perfect way to die, live to be 118 and get shot by a jealous husband.

Grog
Aug 30 2008, 08:47 AM
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work
every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in
the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He
wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and
purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets
together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the
opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do
you wear red panties tonight?"

Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties
tonight,
but how do you know?"

Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli
leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to
her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?"

He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather
shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face
turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell
me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties
tonight."

Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK
in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!"

Grog
Aug 30 2008, 08:58 AM
A woman was pregnant with triplets.

One of the kids said, "I wish I was a plumber to get rid of all this
water in here".

The second kid said, "I wish I was an electrician so I can get some
light in here."

The third kid said," I wish I was a hunter so I could shoot that god
**** gopher that keeps poppin up in here."

Grog
Aug 31 2008, 03:57 PM
Dave the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month
voyage.

Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship,
so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer
her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was
refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that
although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could
always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too
much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there
passively.

He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to
accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but
told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to
find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after
by a leg curling round his rear. Dave , who had always fancied
himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to
resist my charms."

"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying
on the sneakers."

Grog
Aug 31 2008, 03:58 PM
Hop Sing was a cook on the Ponderosa Ranch. All the cowboys loved to
poke fun at him because, being Chinese, he had a pigtail and wore a
funny hat. He also couldn't speak English very well.

The cowboys used to put live snakes and frogs in his bed and pulled
on his pigtail, just to tease him. Hop Sing, however, never
complained and kept on working. He was a good sport.
One day, the cowboys got together and said, "This Hop Sing is really
a nice guy, we shouldn't be so mean to him." They decided to
apologize to him for the many years of abuse.
They went to Hop Sing as a group and said, "Hop Sing, we are very
sorry for being so mean to you throughout the years. You are really a
nice guy.
From now on, we are going to be nice to you. There will be no more
pigtail-pullin' and there will be no more snakes in your bed."
"Good, good," said Hop Sing, overjoyed. "No more snake in the bed,
then no more [censored] in the soup!"

Grog
Aug 31 2008, 04:02 PM
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself.
He
had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally
ventured
out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called
out
to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical
frog
and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going
to grant
you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you
have
to use them now.

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in
this
forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."

This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound
there
was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask
for a
lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a
magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the
world
to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I
wish the bear was g4y." and took off.

Grog
Aug 31 2008, 04:08 PM
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife
decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at
closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the
man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your
tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off
and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her
husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla
went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and
down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.
Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This
time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and
down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and
tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door
and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with
an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

CRUISER
Sep 04 2008, 07:14 PM
The Urologist



My internist referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said,

Because I'm trying to examine you..

Grog
Sep 05 2008, 11:20 AM
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells
him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how,
does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left
his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll
send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.
St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they
should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one
angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more
than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Grog
Sep 05 2008, 11:22 AM
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the
Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a
pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door
said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua
was
a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the
heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The bastards gave
me a Chihuahua?"

michellewade
Sep 05 2008, 02:53 PM
http://stevegoodie.com/indeximthinkinboutnailinsarahpalin.html

Pizza God
Sep 19 2008, 04:11 PM
Ok, a friend of mine sent this out today, it is pretty good.


From a friend of mine.
I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President
what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'

Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that.
You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out,
and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds while her Mom glared at me, then she looked me
straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

skinner
Sep 19 2008, 04:41 PM
The boyfriend asked the girlfriend to say something nice and mean to him in the same sentence.

The girlfriend thought for a moment and then said:

You have the biggest wanker of all your friends.